|
XXVIII
XXVIII
To Servius Sulpicius Rufus (In Achaia)
Ficulea, April, 45 B.C.
Yes, indeed, my dear Servius, I would have wished - as you say - that you
had been by my side at the time of my grievous loss. How much help your
presence might have given me, both by consolation and by your taking an almost
equal share in my sorrow, I can easily gather from the fact that after reading
your letter I experienced a great feeling of relief. For not only was what you
wrote calculated to soothe a mourner, but in offering me consolation you
manifested no slight sorrow of heart yourself. Yet, after all, your son
Servius by all the kindnesses of which such a time admitted made it evident,
both how much he personally valued me, and how gratifying to you he thought
such affection for me would be. His kind offices have of course often been
pleasanter to me, yet never more acceptable. For myself again, it is not only
your words and (I had almost said) your partnership in my sorrow that consoles
me, it is your character also. For I think it a disgrace that I should not
bear my loss as you - a man of such wisdom - think it should be borne. But at
times I am taken by surprise and scarcely offer any resistance to my grief,
because those consolations fail me, which were not wanting in a similar
misfortune to those others, whose examples I put before my eyes. For instance,
Quintus Maximus, who lost a son who had been consul and was of illustrious
character and brilliant achievements, and Lucius Paullus, who lost two within
seven days, and your kinsman Gallus and M. Cato, who each lost a son of the
highest character and valour - all lived in circumstances which permitted
their own great position, earned by their public services, to assuage their
grief. In my case, after losing the honours which you yourself mention, and
which I had gained by the greatest possible exertions, there was only that one
solace left which has now been torn away. My sad musings were not interrupted
by the business of my friends, nor by the management of public affairs: there
was nothing I cared to do in the forum: I could not bear the sight of the
senate-house; I thought - as was the fact - that I had lost all the fruits
both of my industry and of fortune. But while I thought that I shared these
losses with you and certain others, and while I was conquering my feelings and
forcing myself to bear them with patience I had a refuge, one bosom where I
could find repose, one in whose conversation and sweetness I could lay aside
all anxieties and sorrows. But now, after such a crushing blow as this, the
wounds which seemed to have healed break out afresh. For there is no republic
now to offer me a refuge and a consolation by its good fortunes when I leave
my home in sorrow, as there once was a home to receive me when I returned
saddened by the state of public affairs. Hence I absent myself both from home
and forum, because home can no longer console the sorrow which public affairs
cause me, nor public affairs that which I suffer at home. All the more I look
forward to your coming, and long to see you as soon as possible. No reasoning
can give me greater solace than a renewal of our intercourse and conversation.
However, I hope your arrival is approaching, for that is what I am told. For
myself, while I have many reasons for wishing to see you as soon as possible,
there is this one especially - that we may discuss beforehand on what
principles we should live through this period of entire submission to the will
of one man who is at once wise and liberal, far, as I think I perceive, from
being hostile to me, and very friendly to you. But though that is so, yet it
is a matter for serious thought what plans, I don`t say of action, but of
passing a quiet life by his leave and kindness, we should adopt. Good-bye.
|
